Growing up, I was an insecure child with issues over my appearances, height, skin colour, body fat, buck teeth and what not. Of course it was all accentuated when I was pulled up by my parents/authority over some of it too; rest was hammered over by my peers and prejudices alike. So safe to say I was a very unsocial child who preferred to bury her imperfect nose in a book over making friends.
Moving out of the home cocoon to a big bad ass city to work, made me grow up beyond my little prejudices about myself. I realised people like me, they are attracted to me and gravitate towards me; despite all my imperfections. So in an alien city, I suddenly started blossoming into an extrovert (a cautious one) who began to make friends everywhere she went.
I started to have friends at workplace, coffee shops, library, drama theatres, dance classes, gym, photography workshops – ok yes I went bonkers with the extra curricular as I had the financial independence to choose. I had friends across age groups and genders.
But when you have so many friends, you also have heartaches in plenty. Someone who is a friend one day, isn’t so the next. There is no clue of how it happens or when – but it started to and with regularity.
So heartaches became a thing of routine, leading to folks really close to me to comment on why do I have so many friends? Fair enough questions! I mean who needs so many when the oldest few from my childhood days are holding steadfast?
So I tried to not make friends. Okay I said I “tried”!! And yes it didn’t work.
I had started following a meditation practice in 2015 and one day I asked the guide about this issue of mine. She suggested I meditate over it and see how I feel.
Voila!!!! I had my eureka moment after a few self sessions. The answer was very clearly there. It was not magic – the answer was there inside of me and I had to just see it.
So what did I do?
Simple! I shut off all other thoughts as best as I could and focused on one person/relationship at a time. Everytime I did that, I had tears and laughter at the memories we had together; making me even more crazy to understand why it ended. But then right at the end of it, I would realise why.
Take for instance this couple who I was very close to and who held my hand during my divorce; were there to be social with me when I needed it and to cry with me too. But a few years later we fell apart over a “silly” misunderstanding which was actually not so. I had been feeling being taken for granted as a friend since a few months now and so a little thing sparked a fall out. All the time, they also refused to see my side of it. Just like that we were kaput out of a friendship. When I meditated I realised they needed to go their way – they had done all they needed to in my life. Now it was the important thing in their life that needed their focus and I could no longer walk the path with them as I had nothing to do with that path or offer anything to it either.
I wished them well in my heart and bade them adieu in this self meditating session. It was the same with many others. Some vanished, some I was happy to see go, and then some just died!
But they are all a very big part of who I am for they have all contributed to my life with lessons, examples and love – all of which I needed to grow into the creature I am right now. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone of them; they taught me to love and respect the ones I have in my life now.
So the lesson I took away from it was that people do come in your life for a reason (to fulfil a need), for a season (when you need a person in a phase) and for a lifetime (the ones who walk all the way through). Not everyone makes it through all the way just as not everyone disappears away. It’s the Universe answering our prayers/needs/wants in the way It deems best for us.
On an aside, this post was prompted by two surprise messages I got from folks who were no longer “friends” with me for a while now. Guess the New Year made them reflective and they reached out to change status quo. It made me rethink a lot as one wanted to be back into it again. What do you think of this? What would you advise me? Caution or let go of the past? Have you had such moments of reflections on your friends?
Joining up with #mondaymusings with Corinne
Sharing another #mondaymusings post of mine that I really love which you can read Here